Depression

You don’t have to push against your thoughts or choose different thoughts or try to get rid of your thoughts. Doing any of that just adds to the resistance that’s already there. The only reason you do this is because you believe that this is how it’s going to be forever. That’s what depression is, or at least what it’s been for me. You get stuck in a perpetual loop of suffering and it stretches out into infinity because you believe this is literally all there is, and that this is how it will always be. And it feels so bad because if you really notice what thoughts are there, you’ll notice how they keep you tied down to a past and a future repeating itself over and over again in your mind, and never to the present moment. You’ll notice that these thoughts think they know so much, when really they know nothing at all. And when you give up thinking that you know how everything was or is or will be… the depression lifts as well.

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Presents

The things that you want can only come to you when you’re living in the present moment. If you’re busy living in the past or future, all the things meant for you can’t get to you because you’re not living in the present moment where you can actually receive them, which is the only real place there is. And the only place real things that are meant for you can find you is in the only real place there is: Now, The Present Moment. That’s where all the presence is, and that’s where all your presents are. Real things cannot find you in an illusory past or future.

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Things don’t take time, they take love.

Things don’t take time. They actually take the absence of time and the presence of love. They take the absence of you dragging yourself endlessly across a timeline of past, present and future. Things don’t take a long time, and they don’t take consistent, boring and repetitive effort. They just take love.

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Alan Watts – The Potato Speaks

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Personifying brooks.

So I’m this little brook and I really, really want to get to the ocean. Because that’s where all the water goes, and I really want to get to where all the other water droplets have gone. And all around me are these beautiful trees or tall grasses and reeds, and it’s all lush, golden and green and I’m flowing and dancing over rocks and weaving through small boulders. And it’s so lovely because I’ve got this beautiful view on either side and sometimes there’s a log that falls across me like a bridge, or there’s an actual bridge. So the little animals and children can run across me to get to the other side. Sometimes they scurry back and forth and play games. Sometimes they just stand at a halfway point and admire everything as if they’re seeing the world for the first time. It’s really wonderful here; It’s almost timeless.

So I’m this little brook but I really want to get to the river, because once I’m at the river I’m halfway there. And then it’s the big ocean for me. So I get to the river and it’s kind of nice here as well. It’s wider and the water’s rougher in some parts and there are waterfalls which are actually really fun because they’re like Mother Nature’s water parks. There’s still a lovely view on either side of trees and hills and mountains in the distance. But still, I really do just want to get to the ocean because that’s the whole point, isn’t it? Well, isn’t it?

So finally I get to the ocean one day. I get to the ocean and I’m so thrilled that I’ve finally reached my destination. I get to the ocean and I pour all of myself into it and I flow and flow until I’m somewhere in the deep blue center of it all. But now there’s hardly any scenery, save for an endless blue sky meeting an endless body of water. But there are no rocks or boulders to climb or dance around. There are no children playing here, hardly any life is visible at surface level, and I’m even getting a bit seasick now. And you know, now I can’t help but wonder, because I’m a bit disappointed. I’m a bit let down about the whole thing. I heard such wonderful stories about this place, about finally making it, about finally arriving. There was so much anticipation and so much promise.

But now I miss the children. I miss the laughter. I miss the birds perched on tree branches. I miss the swaying reeds and I miss the view. I miss the view so much. I never really bothered to get a good look at that view, and now all I have is this blue canvas of a sky to fill in with my own imagination and memories. But it’s not quite the same thing, is it?

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What is love?

It just occurred to me — I think many of us feel guilty about letting our fears and worries go, especially when it comes to friends, family and loved ones, because we believe that if we stop worrying about them then that means we no longer care about them or love them. But that’s only because most of us have been raised to believe that worrying and fearing for someone’s safety, health and life equates to love. This is what we’ve been taught love is: fearing, worrying, owning, possessing, obsessing and controlling with “tough love” and all our “good intentions”. But that’s not what love is, and we won’t ever find out what honest, authentic and unconditional love is until we give up the worry, the fear, and especially the guilt over choosing to no longer worry or fear.

Most people won’t budge an inch anyway, no matter how much you beg them to change, or obsess over their poor eating habits, or try and control their behavior with threats and bribery.

Real love, the kind that can move mountains, lies outside of the realm of all that fear based thinking. You can’t love someone if you’re too busy worrying and fearing and trying to force them to change, even in the most subtle and well meaning of ways. Love is not that, and that is not Love. Love is something else entirely. It does not attach itself to an outcome or condition, and it does not give itself and then take itself away based upon whether that outcome occurs or that condition is fulfilled. It’s simply there, all the time, no matter what and it is rooted entirely in the freedom of the other person to be exactly as they are without needing them to change so that your own fears and worries subside. That is conditional love, and so it should not even be called love at all, but control.

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Poem

you get so tired
of being beautiful
you don’t even bother
with matching socks
you just run into the wild
into the gaping mouth of the animal
you were before they
snuffed it out of you
and you become the wild
or as much of it as you can
and you run towards the bewildering trees
and become the forest
or as much of it as you can
and when you find the highest peak
you jump
and become a bird, a cloud, the end of your life and the beginning of Life itself
or as much of it as you can

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Good books, good movies, good music, but not good food?

“Listen to your heart, and know what your heart tells you, and when you find in your heart that you are whole, your body will be whole as well.” — Bashar

As I went downstairs to get a bowl of veggie chips I suddenly started thinking about how it’s totally fine to listen to music you love, watch movies you love, read books you love, but eating food you love? That’s a big no-no.

And why? Well I guess it’s because we’re so identified with our bodies. We truly believe that who we are is our physical body, and if you’re anything like me, you’ve been conditioned into believing that eating healthy is so important and the only path to health. (How about happiness and love as a path to health, anyone?) And no one ever really feels guilty about their favorite books or movies or music, but the moment you stuff a donut into your mouth? Suddenly all this guilt and fear arises and I’m pretty sure that’s where all the health problems and weight gain stems from. From the guilt and fear, and not just from what we’re actually eating. (For me it’s constant eczema and yeast breakouts.)

And I know—believe me I know because I’ve read so much shit about nutrition—I know about all the crap that’s in our food. I know about how a lot of our food is processed and devoid of nutrition. But my god, the stress that comes with trying to eat healthy all the time, and the feelings of deprivation that come with it, and the guilt when you cheat, probably cause just as much, if not more, disease than the actual food itself.

Now why do some of us eat certain foods? Because it tastes good and it uplifts us. But isn’t reading books we love, watching our favorite movie, and listening to our favorite musician (hi Joanna Newsom) also things we do because it makes us feel happy? And yet there are no negative side effects from doing those things. Because those are things we believe touch our souls, not our physical body. Nobody, okay maybe your English teacher does it with books, goes around advocating for healthy reading and movie watching and music listening. Yeah, some people are snobs about those things but it’s not the same as with food. They’re just being snobs. And I know there’s the whole argument about how violent video games and movies are bad but if you’re engaging with these things from a place of love and passion it’s not going to turn you into an ax murderer.

So what if we could just let the delicious taste of food touch our souls and uplift us without feeling so fucking guilty and paranoid and anxious about everything we’re putting into our mouths. Yeah, you can eat healthy and organic if you want and can afford it, but if you’re doing it from a place of fear like I’ve been for the past almost two years, you’re going to wear yourself down. You’re going to get really fucking sick of this bullshit and you’re going to fall off the wagon again and again and again. And the truth is, albeit unfortunate, we just cannot control what the food industry is putting into our foods. As disgusting as it is you just cannot fight an entire industry and if you try the stress alone will probably cause just as much disease in you as any toxins or preservatives in our food can. I mean yeah, you can be an advocate for organic food and all that. Honestly, if that’s what you’re truly passionate about, go for it. Seriously, someone needs to be passionate about that shit so things can change. But it’s not what I’m TRULY passionate about. I just got brainwashed by the beliefs of others that I absolutely must eat healthy or I will always be sick. And I believed it, and so eventually it got to the point where I could no longer eat dairy, wheat or sugar without breaking out all over the place.

And I know people like to say, well everyone’s just different. Our bodies are all just different. Well, I’d like to challenge that. How about we’re all the same. How about we’re all capable of eating whatever we want and not gaining weight, and not getting allergic reaction. How about we all come from the same source, spirit, whatever you want to call it, and it’s all just about being happy and more loving—not about depriving yourself or spending miserable hours at the gym. What if it really is just about beliefs? My dad, for instance, can eat a lot of things I can’t and he has no reaction to it. Some would say that’s just how HIS body is, but I would say it’s because he doesn’t have all these negative beliefs about food and doesn’t stress about what he eats. I mean, yeah he has issues with cholesterol but let’s also remember that he is in no way trying to question his beliefs or change them either. So whatever beliefs he has is what he has. My point is that he just doesn’t have as much negative resistance surrounding food as I do, so he doesn’t experience as much as I do. And in my case, I can eat anything and not gain any weight, but I do break out in rashes.

So what’s my point here? Well, what if we stopped identifying so much with our physical bodies and just started identifying with our spirit? With what we truly love and want? What if we just stopped believing that for some reason we’re good and great and wonderful for having the best taste in music and movies and books, but we’re horrible and awful and guilty and fat pigs for wanting to eat the pizza instead of the vegetables? I know, this is kind of a crazy concept, but again I definitely think it stems from being way too identified with our bodies and worrying way too much about looks and health. I think if we could all, in our own ways, just find some way to realize that we are in no way bad because we crave pizza, it would cut weight gain and disease in half.

I mean seriously, why do you think you’re a bad person for eating pizza? EVERYBODY loves pizza. So either we’re all bad or we’re all good. And I’d really like to think that we’re all good and we’ve all forgotten just how good and worthy we are.

(Worthy enough of both delicious food and perfect health, because reality is only a reflection of your beliefs and emotions so why the fuck not?)

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Misery sure does love company.

Why do we believe what people tell us? Why do we think that their ideas about life are true?

For most of my life, every belief and idea about myself and life in general that I’ve picked up or bought into has come from someone who is miserable in some way. I’m not blaming them for it, I’m just saying that the source of most of my negative beliefs and negative views on life and what is or isn’t possible have come from others who might have meant well, but were unhappy themselves nonetheless.

And I’ve always been so afraid to NOT listen to miserable people, because I’m sure most of us have been brainwashed into believing that life can only unfold in a certain way. Most of us have been taught that it’s a very negative and limiting way, and we’ve bought into it to the point where we’re so afraid to believe that anything else, anything better or happier, is possible for us. Because we think negativity, suffering, hate and misery is the truth, and that happiness, joy, abundance and love is just wishful thinking—and a huge lie.

And usually, anyone who is very unhappy, wants the company of others who are unhappy as well. I think that’s why so many people get angry when you don’t agree with their perspective. I mean, have you ever seen a truly happy person care whether you agree with them or not? Not really, because they don’t need you to. They’re happy living their lives and they don’t need anyone else to agree with them because their own life is proof enough that wonderful things are possible.

But it seems that unhappy people really want you to agree with them. Because misery loves company. Misery doesn’t want to be left alone. It doesn’t want to face itself. It knows if it’s alone in a room with just itself it’ll eventually have to face itself and acknowledge that fact that hey, something’s just not right here. But who wants to face their own misery? I don’t think most people want to question it or look at it. It’s so much easier to just convince others to join you so you could all sort of comfort each other, but still remain miserable at the same time.

But why do we believe what unhappy people tell us? Who is that serving? It’s certainly not serving us and while it might be serving them by keeping them company, it’s not serving them in a way that could show them that there is another way to live.

Why don’t we believe happy people? Believing happy people will only serve everyone involved. It’s probably because we’ve been taught that certain things are simply NOT possible and if we believe in them we’ll only be left disappointed in the end because, TOLD YOU SO, IT’S NOT POSSIBLE!!!

But who told you that? A miserable person who’s not willing to let go of their misery or believe in anything other than misery.

So if you really look at a person… Say you’re really afraid of what they’ll do or think or say or whatever. They’ll try so hard to convince you of something because they’re just so unhappy. It’s not even personal. It’s just, they need the company. The suffering is so bad that they just need the company to diffuse their own pain, but that doesn’t mean that anything they’re saying is true. And you don’t have to believe them. They’ve just bought into these beliefs in the same way you have, but someone has to break the cycle eventually. We may not know how it all started, and okay, you don’t HAVE to end the cycle. You don’t have to do anything.

But don’t you want to?

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We thought our very hearts would up and melt away.

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